So it is...

How life changes so quickly. My life has changed dramatically from what it was just a year ago.  A year ago, I was working on my marriage, had a house and a good job.  Now, I've been separated for almost 11 months, and while my wife has changed her mind after asking me for a divorce, I have decided that I now want the divorce.  So far, the conversations have been pretty emotional, but I stand firm in my decision.  There is too much between us to go back, and I've changed too much.  Before, the constant stress I was under was subtle yet dangerously high.  I don't blame my wife for the stress I was under.  She is a very driven woman, driven to succeed, excel, a live the American dream.  Between her drive, my constant traveling for work, and my natural tendency to inherit mannerisms from those closest to me, I became a living ball of stress and tightened focus.  While this was useful in some cases, that state of being is so unnatural to my normal demeanor, and the influence so total and all-encompassing, that it slowly ate away at who I am. 

In my marital exile, I came to find myself again, due to friends who knew what I needed better than I ever did. They gave me my space, let me talk about my issues in my own time.  They gave me a place to stay, stress free, and if they had had their way, rent free.  I had the time and the environment to let go and get a fresh perspective on my situation. I was separated, unemployed due to lack of federal funding, and crashing in someone's apartment, making me essentially homeless. For most people, this would be a low point in their life. But strangely enough, it was the most calming and restorative period in my life. 

I thought a lot about my marriage, and the woman I had married.  I recalled every moment I could, the bad times and the good.  I gazed with the perfect vision of hindsight onto the path that had led me to this moment.  There are few regrets, and while there are probably moments that could have been handled differently, I fail to see how the outcome would have changed.  Everything points to the fact that my wife and I weren't as good for each other as we had thought.  I had habits that she hated.  She hated the smoking, and when I would drink with my friends and get drunk.  She truly disliked it when I wanted to play video games instead of spending time with her.  I think one of our issues is that we did very little socializing, and while we had some shared hobbies, she didn't really have any of her own, so it was difficult for her when I wanted to do something by myself.  She felt ignored and didn't have anything to do. But in return to my flaws, she had hers that severely irked me.  She seemed incapable of truly relaxing.  Her drive was incessant and consuming.  It was always a steady path onto the next thing, with everything.  She seemed more intent to plow through life towards her destination, whatever it may have been, than to enjoy the journey.

I'm not trying to bash her, or our marriage.  I learned a lot from my relationship, and I have fond memories.  But I felt the need to illustrate some of the differences in us that brought us to now.  She now feels that I need to give her another chance, to try to make our marriage work.  I can't do it. This is the fourth time that we've been separated, and I'm three days from leaving for Iraq.  I know that I'm making the right choice.  If we couldn't make it work before, then I know it won't work this time. I made the decision for her, because she couldn't make up her mind.  I didn't want to, but we don't always get what we want. So it is...

Revelation

Wells, seeing as how I have no readers, I think I'll cut loose.  In light of recent developments in my life, I can't help but turn an introverted eye to the path that has led me here.  Ten years ago I was 18, and I had no doubts about who I was. (Side note: I just erased 30 minutes of boring, irrelevant personal history that was ultimately pointless)


I've spent quite a lot my free time trying to figure out where things went wrong.  I've also been considering the quality of the people that I've surrounded myself with.  In regards to the first part, I don't really think anything went wrong.  I'm starting to believe that it was simply forced, a complicated response in the face of being re-introduced into reality.  Maybe it was pushed to far, but in the end, there is only so far that you can push something until it falls apart from the pressure.  I don't regret the journey.

There once was a period in my life where, in my arrogance, I felt as if I was the center of my social universe.  I was the the manifest pivot, the sun in which all of my friends revolved around.  When I left, they lost their orbit and spun out across the now empty universe, no longer a system of tightly interwoven entities within the social structure.  I've been told more than a few times that this is actually a fact.  And while possibly true, it was arrogant of me to presume.  The pattern supports the theory, but I feel there is something more to it.  I have been shaped by the people that I have chosen to be in my life, and I feel this more keenly than ever.  Quite simply, I have been forever blessed in friends.  Those who love without question, judge without malice, those who hold me up when I lack the strength to stand and light a candle in my darkest moments.  I remember you all vividly, and lament and mourn those who spun out too far to be pulled back into my universe. 

So, in the face of yet another deployment, the walk upon the sands of hell on earth, I smile.  I know who I am again, and I know there are those out there who will stand for me, whether I rise too high or fall into the darkness.

You can never go home...

I've heard that expression before, and I always mentally deny it.  I mean, home is home. It will always be there, regardless of the fact that you're there or not.  But sadly, that's blatantly not true.  Everything changes, and you can never truly go home.  Today, I went to the town I grew up in, and all I felt was sadness.  It more or less looked the same, with a few new businesses and a lot of the old ones closed down.  The people still had the same feel, but the ultimate feeling of home was gone.  All the little things that made it home were gone, the memories pale and insubstantial, and I felt a little part of my soul shrivel up and die.  After all the recent turmoil that's beset my life, I was certain that returning home would fill me with some measure of peace.  All I found was a bleak shadow of what I knew, and all of the people were strangers. Or maybe I'm the stranger?  I was so sure I would see somebody, anybody, that I once knew, but I didn't.  And now I feel like I'm truly adrift, a nomad with no destination to the road I travel.

I am made of scars...

Have you ever been sitting there, not really doing anything, and notice a scar you've never seen before?  I used to know where and how I got every scar I have.  Lately though, it seems that I am finding a plethora of scars that I have no clue how they got there, and that seems a little depressing to me.  Life can be defined by your experiences, and more so by the scars you have, both physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Know your scars, as you know your flaws.

Don't mind me, you just keep acting like an idiot.

Why is it that people in California drive completely retarded all the time?  I know that everyone thinks that they're the best driver in the world, and that everyone else is either an maniac or a moron (myself included), but Christ on a cracker, these people are just dumb.  I freely admit that I drive quite a bit faster than the posted speed limit, and that that behavior shouldn't necessarily be condoned, but why, in the name of all that is holy, do people insist on cutting me off and then proceed to drive a slowly as they can?

Seriously, these ass-hats couldn't wait five more seconds for me to pass them before they moved into my lane.  And what the hell is up with everyone stacking up in the fast lane?  If someone behind you is going faster than you are, get out of their way. I always get out of their way if they happen to be going faster than me. It's the polite thing to do.  So, get the hell out of the way, ya dumbass.

That is all.