So it is...

How life changes so quickly. My life has changed dramatically from what it was just a year ago.  A year ago, I was working on my marriage, had a house and a good job.  Now, I've been separated for almost 11 months, and while my wife has changed her mind after asking me for a divorce, I have decided that I now want the divorce.  So far, the conversations have been pretty emotional, but I stand firm in my decision.  There is too much between us to go back, and I've changed too much.  Before, the constant stress I was under was subtle yet dangerously high.  I don't blame my wife for the stress I was under.  She is a very driven woman, driven to succeed, excel, a live the American dream.  Between her drive, my constant traveling for work, and my natural tendency to inherit mannerisms from those closest to me, I became a living ball of stress and tightened focus.  While this was useful in some cases, that state of being is so unnatural to my normal demeanor, and the influence so total and all-encompassing, that it slowly ate away at who I am. 

In my marital exile, I came to find myself again, due to friends who knew what I needed better than I ever did. They gave me my space, let me talk about my issues in my own time.  They gave me a place to stay, stress free, and if they had had their way, rent free.  I had the time and the environment to let go and get a fresh perspective on my situation. I was separated, unemployed due to lack of federal funding, and crashing in someone's apartment, making me essentially homeless. For most people, this would be a low point in their life. But strangely enough, it was the most calming and restorative period in my life. 

I thought a lot about my marriage, and the woman I had married.  I recalled every moment I could, the bad times and the good.  I gazed with the perfect vision of hindsight onto the path that had led me to this moment.  There are few regrets, and while there are probably moments that could have been handled differently, I fail to see how the outcome would have changed.  Everything points to the fact that my wife and I weren't as good for each other as we had thought.  I had habits that she hated.  She hated the smoking, and when I would drink with my friends and get drunk.  She truly disliked it when I wanted to play video games instead of spending time with her.  I think one of our issues is that we did very little socializing, and while we had some shared hobbies, she didn't really have any of her own, so it was difficult for her when I wanted to do something by myself.  She felt ignored and didn't have anything to do. But in return to my flaws, she had hers that severely irked me.  She seemed incapable of truly relaxing.  Her drive was incessant and consuming.  It was always a steady path onto the next thing, with everything.  She seemed more intent to plow through life towards her destination, whatever it may have been, than to enjoy the journey.

I'm not trying to bash her, or our marriage.  I learned a lot from my relationship, and I have fond memories.  But I felt the need to illustrate some of the differences in us that brought us to now.  She now feels that I need to give her another chance, to try to make our marriage work.  I can't do it. This is the fourth time that we've been separated, and I'm three days from leaving for Iraq.  I know that I'm making the right choice.  If we couldn't make it work before, then I know it won't work this time. I made the decision for her, because she couldn't make up her mind.  I didn't want to, but we don't always get what we want. So it is...