Its no secret that I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman who has a kid. And unlike other relationships I've had, she had a chance to see who I am, without any pretense or need to impress, and loves me nonetheless, through all my flaws. And, in turn, I love her.
What this post is about is the child. I'm a product of a divorce, and while it was never truly easy, my life wasn't hard, and I feel that I turned out well. I'm in a serious relationship, which means I'm going to be part of this kids life. Sometimes that exhilarates me, and at times it scares me shitless. I have always wanted to have kids, and this one is adorable beyond belief. I can picture myself helping her with homework, and putting up with sleep-overs and even eventually the dating. But at the same time, what if I screw up?
I didn't always have the best relationship with my stepdad. We fought quite a lot, and I spent most of my later childhood trying to avoid his attention. I felt he was overbearing and harsh, and who was he to lay down the rules, when he was never there because of his job? My mom had a hard time raising us, I think, because we had become independent at a very young age, and with that, very stubborn and possessive of our perceived freedom. I wasn't until I was almost legally an adult before Dale and I seem to come to an understanding. And now I have to face the very real possibility that I might be heading down the same path.
I plan on getting out of the military after this deployment. I don't feel that it's right for me anymore, and that I'm not right for it. But the mannerisms and harsh discipline that has been instilled in me over the last 10 years will linger. I want to be the best father, even if I'm just a stepfather, that I can be. Hopefully I can learn from my experiences with my own stepdad. Though, being in a similar position now that Dale was in, I have to admit that it took a lot of courage to step in and take up the responsibility of being a male role model for someone else's kids. And he was younger then than I am now.
Part of what scares me is the fact that I will be helping to raise a little girl. This is completely uncharted territory for me. For the most part, my family is boys. I know how to handle little boys. Stern but tolerant of the stupid things boys are apt to do. But am I going to be able to do that with a girl? I don't really know what to expect, so I feel like I'm ill-prepared. And as she gets older, am I going to be the one she talks to when her menstrual cycle starts? Probably not, but it's things like that that worry me. And when she becomes a teenager? Dating!?!? If she ends up looking anything like her mom, I'll probably be cleaning a shotgun every night! And what about that inevitable moment when the kid screams "You're not my father!"? I never thought about how much that had to have hurt my stepdad. Just imagining it causes my heart to shudder. How can you answer that? It's the absolute truth. You can try to point out that even though you're not the biological parent, you care about and love them just as much, and that you provide for them, but does it really matter to them at that moment? Anger usually causes that statement to come forth, and love and reason usually slide right off of a teenagers ire. At this, I have to tell Dale how sorry I am. He and I haven't had too many heart-to-heart conversations, but I had to have hurt his feeling numerous times with those callous words.
Is history doomed to repeat itself? Will I make the same mistakes as my parents did? I'm not blaming them, except for how well I came out. But everyone is fallible, and everyone makes mistakes. Or will I make all new ones? Like I said, I'm scared and exhilarated and the prospect.
What this post is about is the child. I'm a product of a divorce, and while it was never truly easy, my life wasn't hard, and I feel that I turned out well. I'm in a serious relationship, which means I'm going to be part of this kids life. Sometimes that exhilarates me, and at times it scares me shitless. I have always wanted to have kids, and this one is adorable beyond belief. I can picture myself helping her with homework, and putting up with sleep-overs and even eventually the dating. But at the same time, what if I screw up?
I didn't always have the best relationship with my stepdad. We fought quite a lot, and I spent most of my later childhood trying to avoid his attention. I felt he was overbearing and harsh, and who was he to lay down the rules, when he was never there because of his job? My mom had a hard time raising us, I think, because we had become independent at a very young age, and with that, very stubborn and possessive of our perceived freedom. I wasn't until I was almost legally an adult before Dale and I seem to come to an understanding. And now I have to face the very real possibility that I might be heading down the same path.
I plan on getting out of the military after this deployment. I don't feel that it's right for me anymore, and that I'm not right for it. But the mannerisms and harsh discipline that has been instilled in me over the last 10 years will linger. I want to be the best father, even if I'm just a stepfather, that I can be. Hopefully I can learn from my experiences with my own stepdad. Though, being in a similar position now that Dale was in, I have to admit that it took a lot of courage to step in and take up the responsibility of being a male role model for someone else's kids. And he was younger then than I am now.
Part of what scares me is the fact that I will be helping to raise a little girl. This is completely uncharted territory for me. For the most part, my family is boys. I know how to handle little boys. Stern but tolerant of the stupid things boys are apt to do. But am I going to be able to do that with a girl? I don't really know what to expect, so I feel like I'm ill-prepared. And as she gets older, am I going to be the one she talks to when her menstrual cycle starts? Probably not, but it's things like that that worry me. And when she becomes a teenager? Dating!?!? If she ends up looking anything like her mom, I'll probably be cleaning a shotgun every night! And what about that inevitable moment when the kid screams "You're not my father!"? I never thought about how much that had to have hurt my stepdad. Just imagining it causes my heart to shudder. How can you answer that? It's the absolute truth. You can try to point out that even though you're not the biological parent, you care about and love them just as much, and that you provide for them, but does it really matter to them at that moment? Anger usually causes that statement to come forth, and love and reason usually slide right off of a teenagers ire. At this, I have to tell Dale how sorry I am. He and I haven't had too many heart-to-heart conversations, but I had to have hurt his feeling numerous times with those callous words.
Is history doomed to repeat itself? Will I make the same mistakes as my parents did? I'm not blaming them, except for how well I came out. But everyone is fallible, and everyone makes mistakes. Or will I make all new ones? Like I said, I'm scared and exhilarated and the prospect.
Gah, third attempt at a comment, so going anonymous..(yoo hoo, this is your Mom). I think you will do fine, but use more humor and acceptance than I (we) did.
ReplyDeleteYou will totally fuck things up. :) We all do. Do your best. Your experiences will serve you well. Shell hate you at times, like you at times, but love you all the time, just like you will her, just I do my kids, and my kids do Miah and I.
ReplyDelete